“Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.”

You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.

Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.

Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.

I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.

Walking with her man, Lost in a dream

There is not a woman born who desires to eat the bread of dependence, no matter whether it be from the hand of father, husband, or brother; for anyone who does so eat her bread places herself in the power of the person from whom she takes it.

It’s not the men in your life that matters, it’s the life in your men.

Do not grieve so much for a husband lost that it wastes away your life.

I personally always find something really scary about watching little girls learning to manipulate their dads by baby talking. Then they grow up and use the same technique on their boyfriends or husbands. That scares me because it’s just so sick on so many levels.

I have found men who didn’t know how to kiss. I’ve always found time to teach them.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.

I want someone honest, someone who’s very sweet to my family and friends, and polite to the other people around me.