Better laid than never.
JOAN RIVERSWe don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
JOAN RIVERS