I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
JOAN RIVERSWhy should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
JOAN RIVERS