Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
JOAN RIVERSI have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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Better laid than never.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
JOAN RIVERS