Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
JOAN RIVERSLife goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
JOAN RIVERS