“When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.”

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’

You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.

If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

O, wad some Power the giftie gie us To see oursels as others see us! It wad frae monie a blunder free us, An’ foolish notion.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

If thou hast never been a fool, be sure thou wilt never be a wise man.

Only a fool permits the letter of the law to override the spirit in the heart. Do not let a piece of paper stand in the way of true love and headlines.

None but a fool worries about things he cannot influence.

A rich man without charity is a rogue; and perhaps it would be no difficult matter to prove that he is also a fool.

Fools that will laugh on earth, most weep in hell.

It’s better to be silent than to be a fool.