Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
JOAN RIVERSYou know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
JOAN RIVERS