“Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.”

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’

You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.

If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.

She deserved the sun yet all he gave was rain and while she needed both to bloom she couldn’t forget the pain.

Teach me how to forgive cause I can’t seem to forget.

Somedays I wish we hadn’t met, and that this ache I could forget.

I remember so little that I can’t forget enough.

Your poems are so beautiful I almost forgot the pain you lived to pen them-from pain comes with beautiful things.

I guess that is why no one would ever forget you. Because you carried the weight of your pain along with others.

Picked up the guitar, and within seconds everyone was on their feet. I’ll never forget this moment.

Dream about what you will become and forget about failures past. You don’t need a mantra, a false icon. Be improving always, until the very last.