“When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.”

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.

Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.

We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

Eternity is vague. Let me fill in the blanks with you.

Under the shadow of your skin, I find ancient secrets. They are now the truths I crave.

I wish I can still hold your hand like I used to. I wish you were still alive.

You touch me and a thousand different particles come alive beneath my skin.

In the world full of chaos, being in your arms is the only place where I can find peace.

My eyes thread of happiness leads back to you.

I want to spend the rest of my coffee’s with you.

Maybe if you hold me tight, our love won’t be as shallow.