Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
JOAN RIVERSWhen you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
JOAN RIVERS