I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
JOAN RIVERSPeople say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Better laid than never.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
JOAN RIVERS