I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
EMO PHILIPS
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
EMO PHILIPS -
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
EMO PHILIPS -
Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
EMO PHILIPS -
So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
EMO PHILIPS -
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
EMO PHILIPS -
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPS -
One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPS -
I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
EMO PHILIPS -
My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
EMO PHILIPS -
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
EMO PHILIPS -
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
EMO PHILIPS -
The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
EMO PHILIPS -
Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
EMO PHILIPS -
You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
EMO PHILIPS -
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
EMO PHILIPS -
Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
EMO PHILIPS