I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
EMO PHILIPSOnce I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
EMO PHILIPS