The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPS