I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
EMO PHILIPSI’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
EMO PHILIPS