Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
EMO PHILIPS
If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
EMO PHILIPS -
New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPS -
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
EMO PHILIPS -
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
EMO PHILIPS -
When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
EMO PHILIPS -
I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
EMO PHILIPS -
I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
EMO PHILIPS -
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPS -
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
EMO PHILIPS -
One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPS -
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
EMO PHILIPS -
I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
EMO PHILIPS -
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
EMO PHILIPS -
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPS -
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
EMO PHILIPS -
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
EMO PHILIPS