Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
EMO PHILIPS