When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
EMO PHILIPS