I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
EMO PHILIPSThe other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
EMO PHILIPS