I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
EMO PHILIPSThe Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
EMO PHILIPS