How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPSMy mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
EMO PHILIPS