My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
EMO PHILIPSMy mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
EMO PHILIPS