You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
EMO PHILIPSI’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
EMO PHILIPS