“When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.”

My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’

You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.

I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.

I was 18 when I was presented with the Arjuna Award. To say it feels really good would be an understatement. But I don’t know how else to convey the feeling. I am grateful for having received this prestigious award at such a young age.

It is the malady of our age that the young are so busy teaching us that they have no time left to learn.

One can’t feel old in a day or overnight!

I have worked really hard since the age of eight, so each phase of my life is equally important.

If you’re old, don’t try to change yourself, change your environment.

Old age is rather like another country. You will enjoy it more if you have prepared yourself before you go.

I don’t want to know I’m getting older. Then I’ll start to think about getting checkups and insurance. I don’t want that.

Language was invented to ask questions. Answers may be given by grunts and gestures, but questions must be spoken. Humanness came of age when man asked the first question.