“People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.”

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.

I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.

One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.

Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

The growing issue of food waste is a concern as there are millions who go without food every day.

Journalism, as concerns collecting information, differs little if at all from intelligence work. In my judgment, a journalist’s job is very interesting.

I think the health of our civilization, the depth of our awareness about the underpinnings of our culture and our concern for the future can all be tested by how well we support our libraries.

Keep your attention focused entirely on what is truly your own concern, and be clear that what belongs to others is their business and none of yours.

Keep your attention focused entirely on what is truly your own concern, and be clear that what belongs to others is their business and none of yours.

All men are more concerned to recover what they lose than to acquire what they lack.

To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others.

The Coronavirus generates uncertainty, concern and a lot of sensitivity.