I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
EMO PHILIPSMy classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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