“My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.”

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Back in the class room, open your books, keep up, the teacher don’t know how mean she looks.

It’s healthy to ditch class now and then. To be precise, it was healthier for humans if vampires ditched on days when human blood would be spilt.

There were several things a Yale freshman was supposed to be able to do. You had to demonstrate in the Olympic-size Yale pool that you could swim 50 yards or be inducted into swimming class.

The cynic puts all human actions into two classes – openly bad and secretly bad.

Growing up in a particular neighborhood, growing up in a working-class family, not having much money, all of those things fire you and can give you an edge, can give you an anger.

The best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I’ve got more class than most.

I’ve learned, That money doesn’t buy class.