“When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.”

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.

I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.

I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.

One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.

Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

The true competitors, though, are the ones who always play to win.

I am inspired by many, but I’m in competition with myself.

Often-times the most difficult competition comes, not from the strong, the intelligent, the conservative competitor, but from the man who is holding on by the eyelids and is ignorant of his costs, and anyway he’s got to keep running or bust!

Saina is not someone special player that I have to win against. It’s not like that I must beat her. She is one of the players.

I sincerely believe that Indians have the ability to compete with the best in the world.

Competitive spirit is still at a premium. The more you win, the better you play, the more money you make, so they all have that in mind.

I’m not a competitor by nature, and I’m certainly not used to being evaluated.

And people who know me would tell you that away from hockey I’m really not that competitive.