The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
EMO PHILIPSWhen deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
EMO PHILIPS