I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
EMO PHILIPSI don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
EMO PHILIPS