I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
EMO PHILIPS
I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
EMO PHILIPS -
You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
EMO PHILIPS -
So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPS -
I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
EMO PHILIPS -
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
EMO PHILIPS