I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
EMO PHILIPSMy parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
EMO PHILIPS