I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
EMO PHILIPSI’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
EMO PHILIPS