“My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.”

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.

One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.

Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.

Let tenderness pour from your eyes, the way sun gazes warmly on earth.

Whoever sees Christ as a mirror of the Father’s heart, actually walks through the world with new eyes.

Give me Thy light, and fix my eyes on Thee!

Nothing is more beautiful in the eyes of God than a soul that loves to hear His Word.

That business does not prosper which you transact with the eyes of others.

Whatever makes an impression on the heart seems lovely in the eye.

Gratitude lifts our eyes off the things we lack so we might see the blessings we possess.

I kiss the skies, set the sun in my eyes and swallow up the streams. I swear to god, I only feel alive in my most ludricious dreams.