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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

Emo Philips

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
EMO PHILIPS

Leather Morning Worth
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
EMO PHILIPS

Beach Love Myself Rock Sound
I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
EMO PHILIPS

Brain Death Democracy Doctor Emergency Family Myself Room
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
EMO PHILIPS

Amusement Job Myself Park Ride Seat Terrify
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
EMO PHILIPS

Fight Funny Himself Myself Time
I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
EMO PHILIPS

Alcohol Drink Myself Night
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
EMO PHILIPS

Myself Organ Thinking Wonderful
So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
EMO PHILIPS

Moron Myself Stand Wall
Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
EMO PHILIPS

Computer Intelligence Thinking
I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
EMO PHILIPS

Bad Myself Rich Wealth
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
EMO PHILIPS

Drive People Silence Tough
Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
EMO PHILIPS

Drive Interview Myself Page Strange
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
EMO PHILIPS

Competition Decision Magic Theory
The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
EMO PHILIPS

Future Government Myself Weapon
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
EMO PHILIPS

Freedom Medicine Money Myself Stand
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPS

Confession Myself Scare
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
EMO PHILIPS

Animal Dog Human Myself Thinking
I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
EMO PHILIPS

Calm Electricity Myself Work
I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
EMO PHILIPS

Away Construction Day Myself Walk
One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPS

Carpet Game Man Oneself
Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
EMO PHILIPS

Angry Buy Period Wait Weapon
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
EMO PHILIPS

Built Character Combination Myself Nature Understand
If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
EMO PHILIPS

Country Enough Rotate Slow Way Yourself
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
EMO PHILIPS

Class Limitation Move Myself Reason
All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
EMO PHILIPS

Earth Hate Live Nation Peace Prejudice Reality Reason Togetherness
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
EMO PHILIPS

Career Hypocrisy Myself Woman
I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
EMO PHILIPS

Best Horror Myself Possible Teaching Thinking Way

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

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Popular Authors

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