I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
EMO PHILIPSI told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPS