“I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”

They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.

I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.

So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.

I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.