“I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I think my mom threatened to put me up for adoption a few times.

I’ve been up and down so many times that I feel as if I’m in a revolving door.

Men are seldom blessed with good fortune and good sense at the same time.

Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Housework can kill you if done right.

A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.

I’m still a little certain I’m a wizard.