My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
EMO PHILIPS
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
EMO PHILIPS -
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPS -
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
EMO PHILIPS -
I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
EMO PHILIPS -
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
EMO PHILIPS -
One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
EMO PHILIPS -
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
EMO PHILIPS