“The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.”

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

I don’t want my kids saying, ‘My dad was a gangster, so I need to be a gangster. I would rather mine say, ‘My dad was a stunna, so I need to be a stunna.

Just relax and trust the process.

I just want to be like a good example to somebody in the future.

The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.

There are thousands of years in the past, and there is an unknown amount of time in the future. There are all kinds of opportunities, and there are all kinds of dangers.

Free yourself from the illusion of good and bad days. Labeling time makes us nostalgic of the past and demanding of the future. There is only here and now. Let it be.

Physicists like to think that all you have to do is say, these are the conditions, now what happens next?

There can’t be a crisis next week, my schedule is already full.