The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
EMO PHILIPSI’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
EMO PHILIPS