Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
EMO PHILIPSSo I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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