The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
EMO PHILIPSI’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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