People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
EMO PHILIPSDon’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
EMO PHILIPS