I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
EMO PHILIPSI don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
EMO PHILIPS