I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
EMO PHILIPSYou know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
EMO PHILIPS