“You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.”

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.

So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.

I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.

For one who has made thanksgiving the habit of his life, the morning prayer will be, ‘Lord, what will you give me today to offer back to you?’

Cheerful givers do not count the cost of what they give.

By simple mathematics giving is key to the world you seek to live in. If I take I alone gain. If I give or share then two at least are enriched.

You’ll never get what you really want. All you can do is give what you really want!

Scatter good will and love and prayers all around, everywhere, and you will be astonished, not only by what it does for other people, but how it comes back to you in generous abundance.

God inclines to shower His graces upon us, but our perverted will is a barrier to His generosity.

I want to live in a world where every person gives far more than they take.

Deep human connection is … the purpose and the result of a meaningful life – and it will inspire the most amazing acts of love, generosity, and humanity.