“My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.”

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.

I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.

Here’s the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He’s never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He’s totally – he’s the white Kanye.

I did have a knack for playing weirdos. There’s still sort of this perception of me out there as being this crazy guy.

I’m always the “less is more” guy when it comes to a scene. So I’ma be the one who will keep it grounded. Even if I let it go off and go crazy, I’m still the voice of keeping things grounded in reality.

I have done a lot of crazy things in my life, and I do not regret anything.

If the world was ending, I think I would grab some Cinnamon Toast Crunch, a bunch of water, and I’d probably just I’d probably go crazy.

The craziest thing about it, I used to hate fighting, but you had to show how tough you was; you had to show you wasn’t no punk.

I’m not the ‘rappity-rapper’ type dude. All my music is really true. I can’t just rap about nothing, just metaphors and putting words together. I can’t just smash out material like other guys. I just want my albums to be crazy every time I drop one.

The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It’s dismissive.