I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
EMO PHILIPSThey have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
EMO PHILIPS