I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
EMO PHILIPSI was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
EMO PHILIPS