One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPS
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
EMO PHILIPS