I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPSMy computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
EMO PHILIPS