I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
EMO PHILIPSI’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPS