People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
EMO PHILIPSI’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
EMO PHILIPS