My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPSI got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
EMO PHILIPS