“When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.”

They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.

I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.

So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.

I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

Like a child who suddenly stops sobbing when he is clasped in the arms of his mother, such will be the grip of heaven upon our souls.

I see my parents as tiny children who need love. I have compassion for my parents’ childhoods. I now know that I chose them because they were perfect for what I had to learn. I forgive them and set them free, and I set myself free.

I’m not particularly a feminist, but if you get women off the animal cycle of reproduction and give them some say in how many children they’ll have, immediately the floor will rise.

In the spiritual life one becomes just like a little child, without resentment, without attachment, full of life and joy.

I was the youngest child and really spoiled. I loved to play make-believe. I loved pretending to be all kinds of different people and it just seemed natural that I would go into acting.

Children need boundaries, so they can know how far they have to go to get beyond them.

We are all children searching for love.

If your children want to alter society, listen to their reasons and the idealism behind them. Don’t crush them with some clever remark straight away.