“When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.”

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.

Full of wiles, full of guile, at all times, in all ways, are the children of Men.

Discipline is a symbol of caring to a child.He needs guidance.If there is love, there is no such thing as being too tough with a child. A parent must also not be afraid to hang himself. If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.

The imagination is precious. Don’t lose it. Don’t lose the child in you.

Is adult amusement killing our children, or is killing our children amusing adults?

Basically, I believe the world is a jungle, and if it’s not a bit of a jungle in the home, a child cannot possibly be fit to enter the outside world.

I firmly believe, however, that if your children have never hated you, you have failed as a parent.

I want to inspire kids.

That’s really what my work is all about – bringing kids together.