My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPSI think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
EMO PHILIPS