New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPSMy first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
EMO PHILIPS