The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPS
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
More Emo Philips Quotes
-
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPS -
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
EMO PHILIPS -
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
EMO PHILIPS -
-
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPS -
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPS -
One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPS -
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
EMO PHILIPS -
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
EMO PHILIPS -
The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
EMO PHILIPS -
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPS -
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
EMO PHILIPS -
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
EMO PHILIPS -
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
EMO PHILIPS -
My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
EMO PHILIPS -
