A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
EMO PHILIPSLord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
EMO PHILIPS