People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
EMO PHILIPSComputers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
EMO PHILIPS